If I were to be writing a blog post at this exact time last year, I might have the same exact emotions. I would be missing my S.O., tired and exhausted from school, not yet comfortable in my new home. There are so many similarities, yet such vast differences, I need to lay them out for myself.
Some things to note:
Last year I moved to Guangzhou, China around August 22nd with no prior inclination to ever even visit China. I had just returned from a month long trip to Vietnam (with a short stopover in Bangkok) with my long-term boyfriend at the time. I left for my flight still drunk from my sister's wedding the night before and unsure of what I packed. This year was different. I was packed and ready to go, I spent the night before leaving with my family at dinner and my boyfriend, not officially labelled as such, but as far as we both see it - we are together. It was so emotional and upsetting to leave this time around, and the only difference I can see is because of him. I was physically ready to leave for Hong Kong, but mentally wishing that I could stay - whereas last year I was the complete opposite. Mentally ready to leave everything behind, but in a general disastrous form. So here goes my comparison..
On work:
September 2015: Some of the people I worked with seemed to be really great. Although there was such a huge divide between CIS (Alberta Pre-Accredited school) and CLS (Alberta Curriculum Foreign Language school), at this time last year, it seemed that we were all in it together and that we were all going to support each other. There is always one person in the workplace that you just don't mesh well with, and it was becoming more apparent each day who that was. From administration down - I knew I wasn't going to get any support with my classes, and there was never any follow-up. It was nothing that I had expected and I was still trying to get a lay of the land. On top of that all, I felt really lost without an office/classroom of my own.
September 2016: I am meeting and opening up to some fantastic coworkers and can see myself becoming close friends with a few, but being specific and careful with who I choose to share personal details with. Some colleagues are just that - colleagues - and they have a place in my professional sphere, but not personal. This year, I know what it means to be an expat. I survived and thrived in mainland China, so being an expat in Hong Kong is literally a breeze. I don't need to be thrown into a situation where I depend on anyone but myself, which differs so immensely from last year - as all the new teachers became too close for comfort for myself. A similarity to last year is that there is still a huge separation between the two schools on the same campus - but in a way, I prefer to be a part of the smaller school for the amount of support that I'm getting. I have my own classroom, and I feel like a real teacher - finally.
On my social life:
September 2015: Anything I did was based on what the other teachers wanted to do. Being a solo expat in a group of many doubles meant my voice was not ever going to be heard, and I also had no choice in activities. This is probably why I went searching for my own group of friends almost immediately, and also that I found solace with another solo teacher quickly.
September 2016: I'm purposefully not letting myself indulge in all aspects of the social life that HK has to offer. I want to focus on my job this year, and I have an amazing group of friends in Guangzhou and back home in Edmonton, so I'm not looking to expand and "collect" more, necessarily. What comes out of naturally meeting people and clicking with them will happen, but I'm choosing deliberately to not push to find more friends. Summary: I currently have no social life, and that's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it.
On the neighbourhood:
September 2015: I thought being in Guangzhou was absolutely insane. Looking back, it definitely was. I lived in mainland China... to elaborate on that, I lived in Panyu last September - which I endearingly started to refer to as Panpoo. It used to be it's own city, but Guangzhou overtook it with it's exponential expansion and it became one of the districts. This was the district that my school was in, and where all the teacher's lived... and I hated it. There's no other way to describe the neighbourhood I was forced to live in than lackluster and boring. It's no wonder I moved downtown after a few months. I knew from the first week I was there that I would be moving soon enough, and when I put my mind to something, it always comes to fruition.
September 2016: I am living on Lamma Island! The commute is long, but it was my own choice, and my flat is beautiful, spacious, and clean. I am happy where I am because I'm not in a concrete jungle, but I'm close enough to Central that I can still enjoy the boutique shops and cute restaurants whenever I please. When I was looking for my flat, I considered living on Hong Kong Island, but I stand by my choice to live in the outlying islands because it's good for my well-being. It's taken me away from the environment where drinks are easy to come by and money is easily spent.
On the relationship:
September 2015: I left Canada in a long-term relationship, on the verge of hitting 7 years. High school sweethearts, we both thought I would be gone for 2 years and come back to Edmonton, get married, buy a house. All the normal stuff people in relationships do. When I left for GZ last year, it was hard, yes - but it also felt like a relief. I saw it as a way to get out and experience the world... in the years my Ex and I had been together, I lost my spontaneity, sense of adventure, and my general awareness of my own personal well-being because everything became about our well-being as a couple. It was not all good, nor all bad - but in those 6+ years I lost a part of myself that I have grown to value more than anything. My thirst for knowledge, self-awareness, love of culture, minor insanity, and quirks that I suppressed - thinking it would make for a better relationship. Since I became an expat last year, I feel so much more in tuned with myself, and have discovered wondrous things about myself that would only ever happen as a single, solitary entity. In October of last year, on our 7 year anniversary, we split. It was hard on me being away, but I was enlightened this summer by a friend, that it must have been even harder being the one who had to stay in Edmonton - surrounded by the same people we were friends with, the same restaurants we visited, so many things to remind him of me, whereas I had new things to keep my attention. For both of our sakes - I think we made the right decision to let each other go, and already only a year later - our relationship feels like a lifetime ago.
September 2016: I left Canada under the pretense that R (let's keep the anonymity, shall we?) and I were not going to pursue a long-distance relationship. We started seeing each other early July.. but our feelings for each other were growing so fast it was alarming for both of us. I'm not sure if it was us knowing that I was leaving so soon or just the nature of how we interacted with each other, but it just feels right. With me being away, we talk almost everyday, Skype whenever we can, send voice notes, and have thrown ourselves into something we told each other we didn't want. It was so hard leaving... I didn't want to come home for anyone or anything last year, and now all I can think of is coming home for good. It's hard to admit because I flourish in uncomfortable circumstances and unknowns. I don't want the unknown when I think of him. I want comfort, I want stability. Who knew that one person could illicit so much emotion in me? I miss him everyday, and without him even knowing, he's made me want to just hop on the next plane back to Edmonton and stay put to see where things can go in a relationship with him. What has he done with the old me?
On family:
September 2015: Leaving the first time was an unknown for everyone in my family. I really missed them, but got so caught up with everything in GZ that I didn't stay in as much contact as I wanted to. I also just blame myself for not making time. My family was good and everyone was living their lives, although I was worried at the time about my mom and her health.
September 2016: A few things have changed, and I think my family appreciates it more when I invite them into my life abroad by updating them and trying to keep up communication. They invited R to a family event, and he really enjoyed being there, even though there is something pretty scary going on health wise with a family member right now. I loved spending time with them this summer, and I want to come home. I've not been homesick for this long a stretch - ever. This summer made me realize how much I was really missing them.
All in all, there are so many similarities to what I was going through last year - but I want to break the mould and not let myself fall into the same old ways that I did when I was in GZ. No matter what way I swing it, things are different, I'm different, and the beginning of this year is different. This year I want to focus on me, doing things I want to do with no obligation to anyone else. First thing I'm holding myself to is to go swimming more often!
I know I have so many people who support, care, and love me in Canada and in China, but I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately. I write all of this for myself and don't really care if anyone reads it or not, but if you do - reach out, I swear it'll make my day. And also, come visit me... this is my view!
