Moving abroad is never an easy feat, but this time was different. My move to Hong Kong has been both a nightmare and a dream come true. I'm mostly focusing on the nightmare part today. I left Guangzhou at the beginning of July knowing and understanding that I would no longer be a resident there, but also that adventure awaited in HK. Now that I'm here in Hong Kong, it's dawned on me that I have to completely start over. The life I built in Guangzhou still exists, but in a much more muted format... life is going on, even in my absence. As narcissistic as that sounds, it's a hard pill for most people to swallow, including myself. I know that as the year continues, I'm going to slowly lose my presence in Guangzhou, even though I hate to admit it. What I lose in Guangzhou I hope to gain back again in Hong Kong.
Now, this doesn't just apply to GZ, but also to my life back in Canada. My friends and family in Edmonton were the same, but different. After a year of being away, there were some huge changes that had occurred, but also subtle ones that were harder to notice. When I moved to China last August, my niece, Aspen, couldn't string together a full sentence. Yet when I saw her this past July, a few weeks shy of her 3rd birthday, she exclaimed "Aunty Alyse! You were gone for so long!" It's astounding and profound to miss milestones in people's lives on account of being abroad. Interestingly enough, though, the subtle differences are the ones that had the biggest affect on my summer. I noticed how my group of friends had a completely different dynamic, although it took a few weeks to understand all of what happened to spark the changes. With all of these new things back in Canada in mind, this summer started a landslide of intrepidity in my life. Where do I want to continue to cultivate a life...? Am I supposed to think about going home sooner than I'd anticipated? Where am I supposed to be - in mind, body, and spirit?
So, with all of these questions and doubts filling my mind and clouding my judgement, I hopped on a plane last Wednesday to Hong Kong and prayed for relief from the anxiety and stress of returning to Asia. I felt, and continue to feel, unsure. Instead of coming back to my own apartment with my own stuff back in GZ - I'm crammed into an 80 square foot hotel room for two weeks while I search for a flat in HK. Instead of coming back to a group of friends that have become a staple in my life abroad, I'm alone. Instead of being independent and thriving on adventure, spontaneity and travel - I want to stop feeling isolated, and be back in Canada with a stable and certain future. Again, I question, where am I supposed to be in mind, body, and spirit? I'm split three ways, and each way has it's own positives and negatives.
What sparked this post was the need to get my thoughts out of my brain to clear my head. I need to analyze and compartmentalize. This reminds me of the Rick and Morty episode, "A Rickle in Time." The more unsure I am, the more my realities and thoughts are split and conflicted. Well, Rick, where the heck can I get one of those neckbands to put myself back together again?